Saturday, 1 February 2020

Feeling

Have you ever tried to kill yourself? Wondered how you’d do it? Crossed the street without looking, hoping and wishing and just wanting something, anything to hit you instead of life which keeps hitting you over and over and over again? Viewed every knife in your kitchen as a vehicle for sweet release from the pain, the difficulty, the sheer weight of everything crushing down on you? Looked at your wrists, the veins, thought about how much it would hurt and how long before it would stop hurting and how long but then didn’t matter because it hurts now, right now, and you’ve not done anything yet, you’re just looking at the knife and thinking about it but you've not done anything but yet it hurts, why does it hurt? And if it already hurts what’s a little more pain for just a little bit of time and then no pain surely no pain is good? What difference would it make? Maybe none but maybe all the difference in the world because there’s pain and there’s no pain and then there’s the complete absence of pain because there’s no feeling left. Have you ever tried to convince yourself that people would care or sometimes that they wouldn’t and that’s reason enough to do it but how would you know is there any way of knowing because sometimes that’s all that stops you that you don’t know if people would care and you need them to care because otherwise what was the point but would they and you wouldn’t know if they did because how would you know but if you cling on if you accept the pain and work through the pain they’ll show you that they care and then you won’t want to anymore because they’ll care but they don’t or they won’t or they haven’t? Thought about it but not done anything because that would be a cry for help and you don’t want to make a sound or have them notice, you just want to be quiet and be silent and for no one to notice you because then you can pretend you’re not breaking into a million small pieces because if they don’t notice then it isn’t happening and if you cry out then it’s real and you have to face it so you stay still and quiet and silent and motionless and you don’t do anything because somehow that seems easier and less real. So you don’t do it but every single time you go through all of that thinking and wondering and temptation and nearly doing it and nothing changes and it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse because you can't cry out because that would be too loud but you can't do nothing because it's too loud in your head. And you don’t know what’s really stopped you so far but you hope that it keeps stopping you because you don’t want to, you don’t want to end it you don’t want everything to stop because how would you feel but then you remember you feel pain and sad and it hurts and you don’t know if you want to feel at all because maybe that's better but how would you know but surely it is better. So you go back again and you start all over again and you go through it all again and reach the same point where you’re grateful you haven’t but also would but can’t but you don’t so you still feel and you don’t know if that’s a good thing but at least you’re here to ask the question because that’s something right? Right? And you really do not know but you're tired and too tired to keep doing this in your brain and sometimes it takes up entire days and weeks and you are still going and nothing has changed but you don't do anything because somehow that's easier than doing something.

Have you ever sat down and thought about it? Wondered who would find you? What they’d do? Realised you just feel too much and if only you could feel less but you don’t know what that means and you don’t know how to make yourself feel less because that’s not possible right because you can’t stop feeling that’s what it means to be human so maybe you decide you don’t want to be human anymore no one asked you right you just were born and then had to feel things and be human and grow up and do things and you wish you didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t but it doesn’t go away and you keep feeling things and you just don’t want to feel anymore so you think about it because you do not know much about it but you know you won’t feel. But then you remember you just want to feel less and you don’t know how to feel less maybe there’s a way of doing it a little bit and not completely so you just feel a tiny bit less instead of not at all because you want to feel something just not the bad things not the bad feelings or the hard ones or the ones that make you cry out silently to yourself because you still can’t tell anyone because you can’t bring yourself to do it and somehow that’s keeping you alive because death is too loud it’s too messy it’s too much and too noisy so you don’t, you just stay quiet and alive because that's easier. You just want to feel less. How can you feel less? What does it involve? Is there a switch or a button you can press like on a remote to make feeling less intense and less a lot and less there. Not the off switch that’s too much you still want something just less of it like a volume button that you can control and if you wanted to feel more that would be an option but right now you feel too much and it’s too loud but for some reason it’s only keeping you up late at night wondering where the volume button has gone and no one else seems to notice or know because you’re quiet but the volume in your mind is on so high that it’s deafening you from the inside out. Maybe a mute button where everything still works and carries on but it’s quiet and less distracting and just there in the background so you can turn it back up when it’s more interesting or fun or just plain less sad and hard. 

Have you ever tried to kill yourself? Because I have and it didn’t work because I’m writing this and yes it was some time ago now and yes I’m glad I didn’t and yes I was sad at the time and wished I was capable and yes I’m still alive and feeling but I tried. And I failed and somehow that was worse because living is difficult and messy and hard and noisy and loud and dying should be easy but I couldn’t even manage that. So I had no choice but to carry on even though I didn’t know if I wanted to, I just had to because I couldn’t kill myself because I was so useless or maybe because I didn’t want to and then I felt better because maybe I wanted to live and even if I didn’t feel like it my body or my brain or my mind or my subconscious or all of them wanted to live and didn’t let me die and then I realised it would be okay because I was alive. I was sad but alive and as long as you’re alive there’s hope and a chance and something that can be done and a way forwards into feeling less because after all, that was all I wanted just feel a little less but still feel. So as long as I was still alive things can change no matter how much I felt they can’t they can because that’s life and feeling and being alive so maybe it’s okay. So I clung onto that thing that kept me alive and I still don’t know what did but it doesn’t matter because I’m still here and I’m so grateful I’m still here because I can feel and now I feel less sad and just less. I still feel and sometimes it’s too much but I’m still here and I’m better at feeling less and I promise you you can feel less and I promise you that you can do it because you can control feeling less and you don’t need to take control by dying or hurting yourself because you can take control by feeling less and maybe you can’t take control by hurting yourself because I couldn’t but eventually I felt less and felt better. Just a bit better but better and it’s working and helping. 

I’m still here and I still feel and I’m glad I do.

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