Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Greg Miliband: Sensible Policies for a Sensible Britain

As the third and to this point unknown Miliband brother (for a point of reference, the only one not to have attended Oxford University, therefore the most likeable one), I have decided to launch my political career with common sense policies that will appeal to hard-working and not-so-hard-working families and individuals; the rich and the poor (or lazy, depending on whether you are a Conservative or not); the foreign and the not-so-foreign (for more help on this one, decide how racist you want to be); right-wingers and left-wingers, goalkeepers and centre forwards and Beyonce, who I hear is very intrigued by this election. In keeping with the time honoured tradition of our family dating back precisely one election, the formal unveiling will take place with the policies chiseled onto large stone tablets (none of this side of a bus nonsense) but for now this post will have to suffice.

The NHS

We will still have one.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

The European Union

All of us know that Brexit means Brexit, which means Brexit. A Greg Miliband government proposes to carry out the clear will of the people by moving the UK to the Caribbean. The EU can visit on weekends and holidays.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Electoral reform

Ever since the old cruelly robbed the young of a future in the European Union by disgracefully choosing to vote in a democracy despite the fact they will all be dead soon, it has been clear to us at GMHQ that people should not have to live in a democracy with other people that disagree with them. Therefore, a Greg Miliband government will allow all parties to pick and choose which parts of the electorate's vote will count. The tyranny of the majority that disagrees with you will be no more. As a famous man once said, "It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that." Clearly what he meant was that if we were smart, we would all abolish the majority and follow the minority instead and that is exactly what a Greg Miliband government would do.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Education 

We do not need an education policy as we will just wait for the NUS to tell us what to do. They seem to have it covered. In fact, this might apply across the board...

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Trade

Ever since it was decided that colonising other countries was not the best way to go about having access to all the stuff they could produce that we could not, international trade has been the chosen method of achieving the same goals.  However, many countries do not play fair and insist on having more things that we need than we have that they need. To address this obvious imbalance a Greg Miliband government will suspend all broadcasting of anything related to the Royal Family in countries that do not just simply give us stuff for free.

The Environment

97% of scientists agree about climate change. This would be 100% if they came to the UK on any given Wednesday when the climate is prone to change hourly. Therefore, something must be done. A Greg Miliband government will end climate change by covering the UK with a massive glass dome allowing us to control the weather. People will have to find a new way of making awkward small talk.

We will also make government greener by painting the nuclear red button green.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Immigration

Keeping the weather constant and ending all rain will have the knock-on effect of giving people fewer things to moan about for no good reason. Therefore, a Greg Miliband government proposes to increase immigration and take in more Syrian refugees so at least the racists will have something to moan about.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Foreign Policy

The Israel-Palestine conflict has gone on for too long. Many people have died and dying is bad for people because they are dead. It will be a priority of my government to stop this. We propose to move all the people in Israel to Palestine and all the people in Palestine to Israel thus solving the conflict.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Jobs

To combat the very real problem of immigrants taking jobs away from ordinary people, a Greg Miliband Government proposes to abolish jobs. Or ordinary people. Whichever is easier.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Transport

Getting from place to place is important. We propose to make this easier by moving towns and cities closer to each other.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Energy

We constantly hear that we are too dependent on Russia's gas, who could at any moment turn off the tap. We propose to combat this by beating them to it and turning off the tap ourselves.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Scotland and Indyref 2

A once in a generation vote obviously means that there will be at least two votes in each generation. We propose to grant Nicola Sturgeon her wish for a second referendum providing a) they agree to take Alex Salmond back and b) they agree to ensure all future leaders of Scotland have fish-based surnames. Ed Fish-Balls has our backing.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Nigel Farage

Someone has to stop him. Therefore, a Greg Miliband government will deport Nigel Farage to Germany to live out the rest of his days drinking their beer and eating their sausages, crucially forbidden to leave their country.

Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.

Miscellaneous

  • This is a very hard word to spell. A Greg Miliband government will change its spelling to 'Other Stuff'.
  • The culinary trend away from plates has gone too far. A Greg Miliband government will force at least 90% of all meals to be served on plates in all restaurants. Obvious exceptions include soup and ice cream (which must be served in cones with a small chocolate flake). 
  • Oat and raisin cookies look too much like chocolate chip cookies leading to inevitable disappointment. We propose that all oat and raisin cookies be made bright green to avoid confusion. This is part of our 'go green' policy.
  • Donald Trump has rewritten the political handbook. We propose to beat him at his own game by conducting our entire relationship going forward by employing Gary Linekar to reply to all of his tweets on twitter.
  • Slogans seem to be very important. We propose to run under the slogan of 'No More Slogans' and leave the Philosophers to work out whether we run under a slogan or not.
  • We apparently do not have much money. We propose to solve this problem by selling Norwich to the French. 
Sensible policies for a sensible Britain.